June's Letter
"You can't heal in the same soil that harms you." -Holly-Marie Cato
Please consider reading this letter on Substack’s site by clicking the banner or the title of the letter as sometimes the letter gets clipped for length. Clicking the banner is also the only way to view the most up-to-date version as I fix all of the many, many grammatical errors that seem to magically appear after I send the letter to your inbox.
6.25.23
Hello there,
I hope that your June has been full of deep pleasure and prioritizing yourself. Happy Summer and Happy Pride to all! Capitalism ruined pride for me when I was in my early 20’s but I still feel its historical and communal significance, now more than ever. I’m writing to you from one my favorite cafés in Harlem. A hot and foamy oat milk lavender latte sits in a mug to my right, nestled warmly beside a copy of, wow, no thank you. by Samantha Irby.
I didn’t want to write to you all this month. I nearly didn’t. There has been so much emotional upheaval that I felt it best to quietly process and reflect on my own. However, I was reminded this afternoon that I created this space for myself. I created this space so that I had a place to write through the things that feel pressing in my life.
Something else that nearly stopped me from writing to you this month was this odd but consistent occurrence of my friends coming up to me and informing me that they hadn’t been keeping up with my letters. Having this information delivered to me, unprompted no less, started to make me feel a bit insecure. It made me feel like no one cared about what I had to say or that the writing wasn’t holding people’s attention. I’m working through it.
On the upheaval, I got into a huge fight with my mother about something that, at it’s core, is really about our inabilities to accept one another. I’m processing but I’m also I’m hurting ceaselessly. My family feels like one enormous trigger in my life, one giant destabilizing force and I have got to figure out new boundaries and a new way forward.
There is similar instability in a few of my friendships, leading to more distance from people whom I love very deeply. I can’t move forward with folks who don’t respect my boundaries. I simply cannot.
I will work through these things, one day at a time, but for now, I’m more interested in tending to myself and my interior world in ways that I’ve been neglecting. Reminding myself every day, every hour, that I am a person, a human being with feelings and need. And most valuably, I am my own first priority.
On July 1st I’ll be moving out of my Harlem apartment and traveling for three or so months. I don’t know for sure where I’ll land at the end of that time, but I’m feeling that nagging hunger, that need to be elsewhere.
Aside from the deep sobs and sobering acceptances, I’ve been chugging along. This gorgeous story that I photographed on the United Palace Theater, for the New York Times came out beautifully. It was so big and beautiful in print. Photographing inside this massive and awe-inspiring space, just me and an assistant, was so therapeutic. So proud of this work. I was also commissioned by Apple to photograph the lovely Hunter Harris for Apple TV. This was a really fun day with a super supportive team! I got the opportunity to photograph the love of my life, Ayo Edebiri, for Rolling Stone on the occasion of the new season of The Bear and her eventual takeover of the earth. I really had a great time on set. Gratitude to Ayo, my excellent team, and my RS family (Hi Joe!).
I developed and scanned 50 rolls of film a couple of weeks ago. A process that I am absolutely, totally, and entirely exhausted by. Processing my own film feels complicated these days. I’m making mistakes that simply would never have happened two years ago. In the evenings, as I scanned roll after disappointing roll, I kept uttering, “the tools are getting in the way.” These days, shooting film really feels like this, like an impediment. I likely just need a tune up because clearly, something is wrong.
I’ve been feeling deeply affirmed by my sister Elli, who is taking a screen printing class at the moment. Elliott’s relationship to furthering his education by taking class after class is something that keeps me inspired and reminds me that self-education and the upkeep of craft requires more than passively reading. I need to be tweaking, trying, failing, and troubleshooting. This is my quality control era after all.
I’ve been making these Avedon style portraits on my roof for the last few months. I’m not sure why I’m making them. The Avedon impersonation period of my work is careening to its end, but these portraits feel… functional, like in the future this work will present itself in another context and it will all make sense, so I’m going with the flow. I have a few more of them scheduled this coming week and I’ll likely make a few in London later in the summer. I should have never read that Goddamned In the American West, Lord.
In this same realm of, I’m tired of working in this way, I’ve been articulating some of the difficulties that I’ve been having around sharing new work. I met up with my friend Kevin Claiborne the other day and I was able to kind of troubleshoot my thinking with someone new. All in all, the issue of sharing new work is likely an easier fix than I’m allowing it to be.
I don’t want to be on social media, so I’m not, but that closes off a major avenue for sharing my work. My newsletter allows for me to share a few images a month but I have thousands of great images ready to be seen, touched, held, and collected. I know that it’s time for a book but the right publishers haven’t necessarily presented themselves. I know that my work would thrive in the exhibition sense, but that world is completely foreign to me and there’s currently not a ton of active interest. I also don’t know that I have a body of work developed enough to enter the world as a book or exhibitions. I need new eyes on the work.
One idea that Kevin and I landed on was making a series of zines. Kevin challenged me to get him one by the end of the week and I did. Although the feedback from him and some friends was positive, it felt too casual, too frivolous. It needed writing and new images. I work in such a heavy, intentional, and focused way. Producing a zine about something simple and causal goes against every fiber of my being. So, that struggle continues, but I’m trying. I’m working on it. I’m gonna be researching Zines this summer and trying to figure out how to let go.
I went to see the Avedon show at the Gagosian again, this time with my dearest friend, Rafa. I loved going through the show with someone who didn’t know much about Avedon’s work because I feel damn-near like a scholar of his oeuvre at this point. I’ve seen Primary Trust on two occasions now, and both times I walked out of that theater a puddle. Please see it while you can, it closes on the 2nd. The cast is riveting and the story gut wrenching. April Matthis and William Jackson Harper are…chef’s kiss!
Reading, Watching, & Listening…
I finally finished The Best American Essays 2023. Incredible. I’m annoyed with how long it took, but these days I’m usually reading two books at once, so it makes sense. At The Bend of the Road by Aube Rey Lescure was truly bonkers. If You Ever Find Yourself by Erika J. Simpson was way too close to my own life, but poignant and beautifully written.
As mentioned, I’m currently finishing, wow, no thank you. by Samantha Irby. This book made me realize that I don’t read a lot of comedic writing. Normally, at best you’ll see me chuckle at the occasional reference, but BABYYYYYYY, this book has had me in a continued state of screaming in public. Absolutely hilarious and foolish, but also deeply informative. Samantha is a comedic genius and I want to read so much more from her.
I started Come Back in September by Daryl Pinckney. I wanted to love it so badly. I got 100 pages in and had to sit that shit down. The writing is downright confusing. It’s such a strangely composed book, the way he moves through his retrospective thoughts and quotes just feels… off. It is pompous beyond belief, like literally reading the lived experience of the white bourgeoisie. Girl, no. This is the second book by Pinckney that I couldn’t finish, though the first one was fantastically written, it just felt dated in a way that couldn’t hold me.
I appreciated David Remnick’s conversation in the New Yorker with A.G. Sulzberger, the publisher of the The New York Times. David really tried to ask probing and insightful questions and A.G. dodged them with terrible and foolish answers. He did everything in his power to come off as uncontroversial, instead coming off as dishonest and calculated.
I was sad to hear that Robert Gottlieb died. A giant in the literary world. I was so taken by the documentary about his life, Turn Every Page. I loved this romantic homage, by Andrew Boryga, to the places that he’s written and revised over the years. Andrew is such a lovely writer and has made me want to write something about all of my favorite coffee shops too! This piece also made me laugh my ass off. I support this Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Ted Lasso universe theory entirely.
My Substack Bestie
really punctured me with their last newsletter. I’m still processing it to be honest. It’s affirming to know that something that I’m perpetually sorting through and refining my thoughts around, like friendship, is a struggle we share. So much of that letter felt identical to my own nearly comic failures in friendship, but as I read through their carefully crafted words it wasn’t funny, just human. As I’ve said before, friendship is thee most important thing in my, but it has also been, single-handedly, the most complex, difficult, and ever evolving. I too had written a sub stack post about friendship complications, but it sits in my drafts as I make my way through. One day. Thank you for writing that, S.B. and for pulling so much out of me every time you type a word.I LOVED this short documentary on Dominique Nabokov from Apartmento. I’ll be buying her books on living rooms next week and traveling with them this summer. I appreciated this conversation with the great Yomi Ṣode and this conversation on Charlie Rose with Doon Arbus and Avedon.
Y’all know I love comedy and this set by my crush Kevin Iso is one of the best that I’ve seen in a very long time. Brilliant!!!!!!
I’ve been watching Silo every week and OH MY GOD it is so good. Why do I feel like no one else is watching this amazing show? I’m not big on the apocalyptic genre. Yes, we’re all going to die. Yes, it’s going to be dramatically soon. Yes, the whites are going to do everything in their generational wealth having ass power to outlast our Black asses. However, this show does something different and so strange. Great casting, minus Common who… really needs to take an acting class this week. Love it.
I watched the first season of Mo which was hilarious. I love me some Mo Amer and I’m so happy to see him doing his own show, he’s terrific.
I stumbled onto My Mad Fat Diary when I was looking for some British television to binge while I scanned film and I fell in love with it. A great show that deals with s**cide and depression expertly. It was way ahead of its time. It’s a teenage, coming of age story, so there’s a youthful quality that sometimes gets in the way, but it was a great show, about a fat lead character, that held complexity and nuance.
I’m nearly done watching I’m A Virgo. Boots Riley is such a unique director. His vision is SO nerdy, Black, animated, and just so particular. Sometimes it misses me but I’m really enjoying this. It’s a really fresh cast, so the acting is a bit all over, but it’s totally unique. Brett Gray, who is so fine first of all, is hilarious here. I want to see more from him and hoping they get a season two. More Black absurdist stories on television!!!
I just finished season two of The Bear. Where do I begin? I love this show the way I love Master of None, Atlanta, and Ramy. There is not one detail of this show that feels tired. Every episode, all the writing, each director they select, it’s just exquisite TV. The fourth episode, directed by my husband Ramy Youssef, is the stuff of dreams. Vibrant cinematography, gorgeous pacing, delicate acting. A feast for the senses and for the heart! The CASTING??? The Christmas episode?????? Jamie Lee Curtis in her woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown bag?!!!!! Let’s get Jamie Lee her Emmy, she may not have deserved that Oscar, but sis surely deserves the em. Also OLIVIA COLENAMNNNNNNN!!!! That final scene in the kitchen?!!! And please don’t get me started on this season’s soundtrack?!!
Watching the characters fall in love with craft this season is something else. To see them seeking out inspiration from their environments and their fellow chefs, to see them going back to school and traveling abroad just to learn, just to hone their skills, it literally makes my mouth water. It makes me want to travel. It makes me want to return to school and pick up a fresh moleskin and start back at one (word to Brian). I love watching artists learn and create and refine their processes. It activates a special feeling of kinship in me. Also, L-Boy’s thick ass can really take me out back one time.
I’ve been listening to Isaiah Rashad’s The Sun’s Tirade all month. I really want to spend some time with this man. He is one of very few musicians that I want to go on tour with. I want to profile him in some capacity beyond just being commissioned to photograph him (which I also want, pretty please). He’s such a gifted storyteller and there needs to be more thoughtful writing on him and photographs of him.
I’m loving Arlo Park’s last record. A beautiful young singer that I came across some years back but was urged to revisit after her lively episode of Talk Easy.
This season of Talk Easy has been really fucking good. I loved Sam’s conversations with with Ramy and Jay Jordan.
I also loved Talk Art’s episode with my girl Amy Sherald. Amy is such a tell you like it is human being and I’ve always appreciate that about her.
That’s all for now. Thank you so much to those folks who come to this space each month and offer me your time, anticipation, and interest. I really do appreciate it. And a special thank you to the folks in my life bearing with me as I work through so much all at once. One day at a time, y’all!
Talk soon!
Keep making these newsletters, please and thank you!
I love reading your musings on everything, but particularly your work and practice. So interesting to get to peek into other artist's minds and processes! Also you may have single handedly convinced to watch Silo!
I'm always a fan of zines but I get how the format doesn't necessarily match the work. But could be something as simple as switching up the dimensions, and calling them something fancier (as your work deserves imo) "printed photo essay" or something.